Confessions of a binge eater

(I wrote this last night before taking my tub soak – not sure if I was going to post it. But, you know? What the heck. Nothing like shaming oneself in public. And yes, I laid in bed all night thinking of the stuff I threw away and thinking they were still wrapped and “rescue”-able. At least I can say that they are still in the trash can this morning.)

Hello, my name is Beth and I’m a binge eater. I’m an equal opportunity binge eater, but carbs, sugar and chocolate are my worst enemies. I was doing well while on Medifast and losing weight. After all, just about the only food I had in the house was nasty Medifast stuff and who wants to eat a lot of that? Plus, the Medifast rules are rigid and easy to follow.

I did well at first as I transitioned to maintenance. I still had hard rules for myself about what and when to eat. Slowly, as I successfully maintained my weight (and even lost a bit more), I relaxed the rules. After all, I should be able to have a cupcake every now and then – it shouldn’t be about denial, but about moderation. Only, problem is, I totally suck at moderation. I’m an all or nothing kind of gal.

Slowly, the amount of sweets I was eating started to increase. I walked 10 miles today? I can have two cupcakes! Or, a whole box of sugar cookies. Then Christmas candy hit the shelves. “Well, it’s just special stuff right now. Not like I can have these mint flavored Peep Christmas trees all year, right?” Add to that a few trips that interrupted my rigid eating schedule and I ended up where I am tonight. And where I am tonight is a stupid self-created hell in which I don’t want to be.

I had to go to my doctor today to see about some weird heart rate changes I’ve been experiencing lately. On the way back to work, I was driving past a Walgreens when I thought, “Half-priced Christmas candy! One last indulgence, right?” So I went in and bought some stuff. I ate one Christmas tree Peep while driving back to work but when I arrived, I left the bag in the car. (Rule number one of binge eating: NEVER do it in public.)

I spent the rest of the day thinking about the goodies waiting for me in my car. They were all I could think about. Finally, it was time to leave – the binge fest could begin! But, you know what? Maybe that bag of candy wasn’t going to be enough. Maybe I need more. I’ll just stop at Target and see what they have left.

I got home, fired up the TV and my computer (needed to catch up on email and social media), got me a Diet Dr Pepper (oh, the irony) and started eating. Peep Christmas tree; Reese peanut butter Christmas tree; 2 chocolate marshmallow Santas; 1 raspberry cream Santa; 2 non-hostess Snowballs (um, not Christmas related – these even broke the rule of the binge!); one whole container of mint fudge covered Oreos and maybe a few other things. I lost track. Then I started on the small box of shortbread cookies. By then, my stomach hurt so much and I was so dizzy from the sugar and influx of food…but I couldn’t stop. I was actually crying as I was shoving the last of the shortbread cookies into my mouth.

I feel horrid…so sick, bloated and awful. I want to throw up, but can’t. (Why not??) I want to curl up in bed and cry…but I’m too bloated to do any curling. And there’s still so much more to eat…

I take the huge bag of mint M&Ms (I really wanted those), the container of caramel TimTams (so yummy) and big container of caramel Santas (CARAMEL!) and, after staring at them longingly, put them in a bag and take them outside in the cold to my trash can. Is that a start? Next time I get this urge, can I remember the crying, the pain and the sick feeling? And if I do, will that just make me want to eat more? (After all, the eating seems to be some sort of self-punishment.)