Year: 2012

First, thanks to everyone for all your positive and helpful comments (via Facebook) on the binge post It means a lot to me. So, I’m going to share this little bit of comedy with you.

As I was driving home, I realized I had no fruit for breakfast. I’ve gotten to where I cannot imagine a breakfast without fruit. I know! So, I needed to go the store, but didn’t want the danger of a fully-stocked HEB with the entrance by the bakery. I thought I’d stop at Sprouts since they tend to have less processed food and had blackberries on sale (I’ve been all about the blackberries, lately). I walk in the store and what’s the first thing by the door? THE FREAKING LOFTHOUSE SUGAR COOKIES I’ve been obsessed with and that started me on my binge path. And they have Christmas decorations on them. *sigh* I take a look and then turn my back on them and head to the fruit. Bought some lovely blackberries, blueberries, oh, the tomatoes I need, celery’s always good, and hey! Barbara’s Cinnamon Puffin cereal on sale. I could use that. Okay, that’s it. I’m wandering aimlessly. Time to get out of here before I get weak.

Feeling rather good about myself, I come home and start making the healthy dinner I’d planned. I put away my groceries and then go to get the container of lettuce out. The container of lettuce that I proceed to drop leaving me standing there staring at a floor strewn with lettuce. *sigh* I gather up the bit that didn’t fall out of the bin and figure I’ll make due. I go to get a bowl out and realize they are all clean and in the dishwasher. Fine. I start unloading the dishwasher and go to put a small pyrex pot away. Only I dropped it. It cracks in two and sends a few splinters of glass flying. Seriously? I then proceed to burn my fake sausage (vegetarian) and cut my finger while chopping up green peppers for the salad. Freaking seriously??

I should have just gotten the damn sugar cookies. They might have actually been less dangerous.

(I wrote this last night before taking my tub soak – not sure if I was going to post it. But, you know? What the heck. Nothing like shaming oneself in public. And yes, I laid in bed all night thinking of the stuff I threw away and thinking they were still wrapped and “rescue”-able. At least I can say that they are still in the trash can this morning.)

Hello, my name is Beth and I’m a binge eater. I’m an equal opportunity binge eater, but carbs, sugar and chocolate are my worst enemies. I was doing well while on Medifast and losing weight. After all, just about the only food I had in the house was nasty Medifast stuff and who wants to eat a lot of that? Plus, the Medifast rules are rigid and easy to follow.

I did well at first as I transitioned to maintenance. I still had hard rules for myself about what and when to eat. Slowly, as I successfully maintained my weight (and even lost a bit more), I relaxed the rules. After all, I should be able to have a cupcake every now and then – it shouldn’t be about denial, but about moderation. Only, problem is, I totally suck at moderation. I’m an all or nothing kind of gal.

Slowly, the amount of sweets I was eating started to increase. I walked 10 miles today? I can have two cupcakes! Or, a whole box of sugar cookies. Then Christmas candy hit the shelves. “Well, it’s just special stuff right now. Not like I can have these mint flavored Peep Christmas trees all year, right?” Add to that a few trips that interrupted my rigid eating schedule and I ended up where I am tonight. And where I am tonight is a stupid self-created hell in which I don’t want to be.

I had to go to my doctor today to see about some weird heart rate changes I’ve been experiencing lately. On the way back to work, I was driving past a Walgreens when I thought, “Half-priced Christmas candy! One last indulgence, right?” So I went in and bought some stuff. I ate one Christmas tree Peep while driving back to work but when I arrived, I left the bag in the car. (Rule number one of binge eating: NEVER do it in public.)

I spent the rest of the day thinking about the goodies waiting for me in my car. They were all I could think about. Finally, it was time to leave – the binge fest could begin! But, you know what? Maybe that bag of candy wasn’t going to be enough. Maybe I need more. I’ll just stop at Target and see what they have left.

I got home, fired up the TV and my computer (needed to catch up on email and social media), got me a Diet Dr Pepper (oh, the irony) and started eating. Peep Christmas tree; Reese peanut butter Christmas tree; 2 chocolate marshmallow Santas; 1 raspberry cream Santa; 2 non-hostess Snowballs (um, not Christmas related – these even broke the rule of the binge!); one whole container of mint fudge covered Oreos and maybe a few other things. I lost track. Then I started on the small box of shortbread cookies. By then, my stomach hurt so much and I was so dizzy from the sugar and influx of food…but I couldn’t stop. I was actually crying as I was shoving the last of the shortbread cookies into my mouth.

I feel horrid…so sick, bloated and awful. I want to throw up, but can’t. (Why not??) I want to curl up in bed and cry…but I’m too bloated to do any curling. And there’s still so much more to eat…

I take the huge bag of mint M&Ms (I really wanted those), the container of caramel TimTams (so yummy) and big container of caramel Santas (CARAMEL!) and, after staring at them longingly, put them in a bag and take them outside in the cold to my trash can. Is that a start? Next time I get this urge, can I remember the crying, the pain and the sick feeling? And if I do, will that just make me want to eat more? (After all, the eating seems to be some sort of self-punishment.)

I’ve just spent far too long soaking in my tub pondering my life: successes, failures, what it’s lacking, and what I can do to improve it. After spending way too long in the steamy green water that was sparkling with red glitter (Lush’s Santa bath bomb), I’ve come away with one solid conclusion:

I need new bathtub hardware so that it is easier to turn the hot water on and off with my toes.

Yep. That’s all I got.

(Posted via my phone while snuggled under a warm blankie and a cat…so no idea how this is going to work.)