Anyone know what kind of spider this is? Other than “freaky monster looking thing that will give me nightmares”?

(Sorry about the noise and the high ISO - I forgot to switch from 1600 once I gave up on getting a shot …

I recently bought some concealer (damn those bags under my eyes) and was upset when it arrived as it was much darker than the foundation I have in the same brand and that’s labeled as the same color - …